How to Stop Scrolling and Start Dating on Apps
How to Stop Scrolling and Start Dating on Apps
Dating after a divorce, a breakup, or after a long period of healing, can feel like both a fresh start and an overwhelming challenge. As you scroll through profiles, you might feel disconnected or uninspired, wondering if it’s even worth it. The endless swiping can leave you feeling stuck—seeing potential matches but not feeling the spark or the motivation to reach out. You might even find yourself thinking, “Can I really imagine having a real conversation with this person or introducing them to my friends, let alone being intimate with them?”
This feeling of disconnect is not uncommon. In fact, it’s something many people experience, especially when they’re re-entering the dating world with a renewed sense of self. So let’s slow down and think about what’s happening here.
One of the reasons you might be feeling paralyzed is something called the catalog effect. This is similar to the paradox of choice, where having too many options can leave us feeling overwhelmed and ultimately dissatisfied with what’s in front of us. The truth is, dating apps, while convenient, often don’t capture the full picture of who a person really is. Sure, you see their photos, their interests, and maybe a witty bio, but none of that can convey the true essence of someone—their energy, their vibe, their sense of humor, or how their body language feels in person.
Think of it this way: Dating is not about shopping for a product to check off a list of must-haves. It’s about discovering another human being in real time, through experiences, shared moments, and real-life conversations. You can’t judge compatibility based on a few photos or a catchy tagline. And when we realize that, the whole process feels a little less pressure-filled.
That’s why I want to encourage you to approach dating apps with a new mindset—one that’s less about “finding the one” and more about small, manageable steps toward connection. Instead of imagining a future with someone based solely on their profile, try seeing each interaction as an opportunity to explore whether there’s potential for real chemistry. A casual chat over coffee, a relaxed date where you can see how the conversation flows. No big expectations. If the connection is there, great! If it’s not, you’ve still learned something valuable about yourself and what you’re looking for.
Another thing that might be holding you back is where you are emotionally in your healing process. After a tough breakup or a divorce, it can feel like dating apps are just… overwhelming. Maybe they seem superficial or like a lot of noise in your already full emotional space. And that’s okay. If you’re feeling hesitant, or unsure of how to trust someone’s intentions, it’s important to honor that. You don’t have to jump into anything. The beauty of dating is that it’s a journey—and you don’t need to rush.
Dating can come with its risks, but there’s also a chance to approach it with a sense of curiosity and openness. You don’t know everything about someone from their profile or even their first message—and that’s perfectly okay. Instead of jumping to conclusions about whether someone is “relationship material,” take the time to meet in person, enjoy a conversation, and see if the energy feels right. Don’t rush the process, and don’t feel pressured to label anything too soon.
To help you break free from the endless scroll and take actionable steps, here are a few simple strategies:
1. Narrow Your Options
When browsing, try limiting yourself to just three profiles that pique your curiosity. Instead of scrolling endlessly, commit to reaching out to at least one of them. Ask open-ended questions that invite a genuine conversation—something that helps you get a sense of who they are, rather than just what they look like.
2. Start with Light Conversation
Keep your first message simple and authentic. Share something fun or lighthearted—like a funny moment from your day, or a favorite place you’ve traveled. You’re not trying to impress anyone, just trying to see if there’s a spark of curiosity. Ask them something that genuinely interests you, like how they like to spend weekends or what book they’re currently reading.
3. Set Up a Low-Pressure Meeting
If the conversation flows, suggest a casual coffee date or snack at a local spot you feel comfortable with. Keep it short—about an hour or less. Having a set end time creates a natural way to bow out if the connection doesn’t feel right, while also easing any anxiety about the date.
4. Stay Curious
When you meet in person, approach the date with curiosity, not pressure. You’re not there to decide if this is “the one.” You’re there to enjoy getting to know someone, to see how the conversation flows, and to assess if there’s potential for deeper connection. Chemistry takes time to develop, and it’s important to give it space to grow naturally.
Above all, remember that dating is about real connection, not about finding the “perfect” person based on a few photos and a few lines of text. Relationships evolve through shared experiences, mutual respect, and real-time chemistry. So, instead of asking yourself, “Is this person relationship material?” ask yourself, “Are they coffee date material?”
By taking small, thoughtful steps, you’ll begin to feel more comfortable and less overwhelmed by the process. Each interaction—whether it leads to a lasting connection or not—helps you learn more about yourself and what you’re looking for. Trust the process, stay curious, and be gentle with yourself as you step back into the world of dating. You’ve got this.
