Recognizing Unhealthy Dating Patterns

How Do You Feel With Them?

Let’s start with a simple but powerful question: How do you feel when you’re dating someone?

There’s a difference between excitement and unease. Between butterflies and walking on eggshells. Between healthy anticipation and nervous self-doubt.

One feeling is full of possibility—hope, curiosity, and optimism.

The other? It’s laced with uncertainty, anxiety, and self-consciousness.

Have you ever had that experience where you feel on edge, unsure of where you stand, but then—bam!—you get a great date, a sweet text, a romantic gesture, and suddenly, everything feels okay again?

But then the cycle starts over.

That’s not excitement. That’s not chemistry. That’s your nervous system trying to make sense of instability.

The Brain’s Response to Uncertainty

Your mind and body search for patterns. If you’re feeling unsure, overanalyzing every interaction, questioning your worth, or replaying conversations, your brain is trying to protect you.

But if you’ve been in unhealthy relationships before—or grew up around emotional inconsistency—this pattern might feel normal to you. And because it’s familiar, you might unconsciously seek it out, even though it doesn’t serve you.

We’re taught to ignore discomfort, to push through the bad moments because the good ones feel so rewarding. But what if, instead of brushing off our discomfort, we sat with it?

            •           What is this feeling really telling me?

            •           Is this normal for me? Or is this a red flag I keep missing?

Looking Back: Recognizing the Signs

Think back to a past unhealthy relationship.

            •           How did you feel during it?

            •           When it ended, what signs do you now realize you should have listened to?

            •           Did you ever check in with yourself about how you were feeling? If not, why?

            •           How long did the relationship last? Should it have ended sooner?

            •           Did it have lasting effects on your self-esteem, trust, or emotional well-being?

Now, list the red flags you can remember.

            •           How did they first show up?

            •           Did they appear in subtle ways at first?

            •           Have you ignored similar signs in other relationships?

            •           Were they outright dealbreakers, or things you should have addressed with a conversation?

Love Bombing: When Attention Feels Like Affection

Let’s say you’ve been in a relationship where you were love-bombed.

At first, it felt amazing—constant attention, compliments, gestures.

Then suddenly, it stopped.

Now imagine you start dating someone new. It’s different this time… or is it?

This person gives compliments, but they’re careful—“I know it’s early, but I really think this could go somewhere.”

They start planning future dates quickly—introductions to friends, talk of trips, deep emotional conversations.

It feels a little fast, but because it’s not extreme, you accept it.

Then things shift. The attention cools. The dynamic changes. And suddenly, you’re in another cycle.

This is one of a million ways unhealthy patterns show up. They don’t always look the same, but they always feel the same. That familiar unease? That’s your clue.

Remembering that people can be fragmented and not even see the different parts of themselves. Meaning they can feel affection for you one minute or even one day and then the next day it’s gone for whatever reason. Then the cycle keeps going. The hard part is understanding that they can have some beautiful moments and some good qualities and can actually be loving and still do all of the damage.

Trusting Your Intuition

If something feels off, ask yourself:

            •           Am I making excuses for this person’s behavior?

            •           Am I afraid that bringing up my concerns will ruin the relationship?

            •           Do I feel like I have to adjust myself to keep things going?

Here’s the truth: If you feel like asking a question will ruin the relationship, that’s your answer.

It doesn’t matter if they’re a narcissist, a game player, or just emotionally immature. The label doesn’t matter—what matters is that they’re not capable of a healthy, long-term relationship.

Instead of focusing on what they are, focus on how you feel.

What a Healthy Relationship Feels Like

Let’s flip the script. Think of a relationship where you felt safe—whether it was a friendship, a family bond, or a past romantic relationship.

            •           How did you feel around that person?

            •           Did you feel seen, heard, and valued?

            •           Were you in a good mood more often than not?

            •           Did you feel confident and at ease?

A healthy relationship doesn’t leave you guessing. It doesn’t make you feel uncertain about your worth, your words, or your presence. It feels calm, secure, and steady.

And most importantly? You trust yourself.

Final Takeaway

If you take one thing away from this, let it be this: Your intuition is always right.

It might take time to untangle past patterns, but the more you practice listening to yourself, the easier it becomes.

So next time you feel that familiar unease—pause.

Ask yourself what’s really going on.

And most of all, trust that you already have the answers.