Recognizing Coercive Control in Divorce Mediation: What Divorce Professionals Need to Know

As divorce professionals, we are often tasked with helping clients navigate one of the most emotionally charged and vulnerable times in their lives. For those who have experienced coercive control or manipulation in their relationships, mediation may seem like an ideal, low-conflict route. However, the reality is that survivors of coercive control often face unique and significant challenges in this process—challenges that can easily go unnoticed if we’re not attuned to the signs.

What Does Coercive Control Look Like?

Coercive control is a pattern of ongoing psychological abuse that may not leave visible scars but can deeply impact a person’s sense of agency and safety. It’s not always dramatic or overt—it can be subtle, insidious, and hard to detect. Survivors may not even identify their experience as abuse, especially if manipulation was normalized in the relationship.

Common Signs a Client Has Experienced Coercive Control:

1. Difficulty Making Decisions or Expressing Needs

• They defer to the other party even when it’s not in their best interest.

• They may frequently say things like, “It’s fine, I just want it over with,” or “I don’t want to make things worse.”

2. Excessive Self-Blame or Minimization

• They might justify their ex’s behavior or downplay harm: “He didn’t mean to,” or “She was just stressed.”

3. Visible Anxiety or Distress at the Mention of Their Ex

• They may become visibly nervous, guarded, or emotional when discussing the other party—even in neutral settings.

4. Hypervigilance or “Walking on Eggshells”

• Clients might seem overly cautious with their language or worried about how their ex might respond to decisions.

5. Indecision Coupled with Urgency

• Survivors often want to avoid confrontation at all costs, leading them to rush decisions just to “keep the peace.”

6. Inability to Identify or Advocate for Their Own Needs

• When asked what they want, they may genuinely not know or respond with what they think the other party will accept.

Why This Matters in Mediation

Mediation assumes both parties come to the table in “good faith,” ready to negotiate fairly and honestly. But survivors of coercive control often walk into mediation at a psychological disadvantage—still entangled in the emotional dynamics of the relationship, still vulnerable to the same tactics used during the marriage.

They may:

• Feel overwhelmed by their ex’s presence or tone of voice.

• Agree to terms they don’t understand or that are clearly unfair.

• Doubt their own judgment, believing the manipulative partner “knows best.”

• Be re-triggered into survival patterns like appeasement or avoidance.

Even with a well-meaning mediator, the power imbalance doesn’t just vanish. And unless the mediator is specifically trained to recognize and account for coercive control, they may unintentionally reinforce harmful dynamics by encouraging “compromise” or dismissing abuse as irrelevant to property division or custody.

How Divorce Professionals Can Help

1. Observe Carefully and Validate Their Experience

• If a client exhibits signs of fear, confusion, or deference, gently explore those cues. Normalize these reactions and let them know they don’t have to manage this process alone.

2. Educate Them on Their Options

• Help them understand that mediation is not mandatory—and it’s not the only path.

• Offer information about the pros and cons of mediation vs. court, especially in the context of unequal power dynamics.

3. Recommend Protective Measures

• Suggest they bring a support person or attorney into the mediation (if allowed).

• In some cases, shuttle mediation (where parties are in separate rooms) may offer some safety—but only if the client still feels empowered to advocate for themselves.

4. Collaborate With Trauma-Informed Professionals

• Encourage therapy or coaching support from professionals experienced in abuse recovery. These allies can help rebuild the survivor’s confidence and decision-making ability during the process.

5. Know When Mediation Isn’t Safe or Appropriate

• If the survivor still feels manipulated, unsafe, or incapable of advocating for themselves, recommend legal representation or court intervention instead. A judge can issue binding, enforceable orders—something mediation cannot guarantee.

Final Thoughts

It’s not enough to ask whether a client is “okay” with mediation. For survivors of coercive control, what feels familiar often feels safe—even if it means continuing patterns of appeasement and self-erasure. As divorce professionals, our job is to help clients see their full range of options and to recognize when the most “peaceful” path might actually prolong the harm.

Creating a trauma-informed, client-centered process starts with awareness. When we recognize the quiet signs of coercive control and approach clients with empathy and education, we empower them not only to separate—but to reclaim their voice in the process.