Coercive Control and Mediation

If you have experienced coercive control or manipulation in a relationship you might believe you can navigate mediation effectively, but in reality, it can put you at a serious disadvantage. Here’s why:

1. The Power Dynamic Doesn’t Just Disappear

• Even if the relationship is ending, the controlling partner still knows how to manipulate, intimidate, and pressure their ex. They may use subtle tactics—like guilt, gaslighting, or playing the victim—to push for an unfair agreement.

2. Mediation Relies on “Good Faith” Negotiation

• Mediation only works when both people are honest, willing to compromise, and acting fairly.

• A manipulative ex is likely to lie, withhold information, or twist reality to serve their own interests, making a fair resolution impossible.

3. Emotional Triggers Can Cloud Judgment

• Years of manipulation can leave someone second-guessing themselves.

• In mediation, the abuser may use familiar tactics—tone of voice, body language, or emotional manipulation—to evoke fear, self-doubt, or guilt, making it hard to advocate for themselves.

4. They May Agree to a Bad Deal Just to “Keep the Peace”

• A survivor of coercive control might feel an urge to avoid conflict at all costs.

• If mediation feels overwhelming or triggering, they might agree to an unfair settlement just to get it over with—which can have lasting financial and legal consequences.

5. Enforceability Can Be a Problem

• Even if they reach an agreement, an abuser may later ignore or twist the terms.

• Unlike a court order, a mediated agreement can be harder to enforce, meaning they might have to fight again later.

6. The Mediator May Not Recognize the Abuse

• Many mediators aren’t trained to detect coercive control.

• If the survivor brings up past abuse, the mediator may dismiss it as “irrelevant” or treat both parties as equal negotiators—when in reality, one is still being manipulated.

Better Options Than Mediation

• Hiring a lawyer: A legal advocate can set firm boundaries and protect their interests.

• Court intervention: If the abuser refuses to cooperate fairly, a judge can make binding decisions rather than relying on “compromise.”

• Support from a therapist or coach: Having emotional and legal support can make all the difference.